my release

heh who knows

2004-02-12T09:29:32Z

I hate when I don't know how to say what I am thinking. I don't know how much longer I can last trying to do this whole dating think. some days I feal optimistic and on others I just want to give up! I would love to find happyness once again. dating is ruff. On the more serious side i am tryhing to refinance my house again for the third time, and this time I am goint to take cash out! I will use that money to pay on my credit cards. sounds like a good plan in theory. I hope that I can get a good rate and still pay less than before with the cash out.

kareoke fun

2004-02-05T02:54:51Z

Yee so last night I went and did kareoke, but not before having a glass of wine at home. then a rum and coke at the bar. I sang (tried that is) under the bridge-red hot chile pepers, last kiss-pearl jam, basket case-green day. I was told last kiss was my best attemp. d took a pic of me on stage with new camera which I just love! I just love being able to capture the moment with a picture. it is so fun and I can see it right away.

still hard to come home

2004-01-29T04:32:49Z

Even thought I have been doing better lately it is still hard for me to come home alone. I have tried to put things away but it is hard to touch them. on the lighter side I went to the bowling alley yesterday. I saw some friends there and made some new friends. I sang kareoke. under the bridge, I want you to want me,.. i forgot the last one. this guy that I have known for years was there and he said that he would paint my house. I am thinking yellow with white trim. that will cheer up the street a little. I am going to d's tomarrow to fix her home phone line so that I can email her again. I don't like to call to much.

good eatin

2004-01-29T04:06:32Z

I did a gig at the braille institute today where they provided lunch for me. then I went to northwoonds in and they gave me a steak dinner. all in all this was a good day.

I hate the game

2004-01-26T09:08:04Z

so I have been trying to not like this girl as much. I thought that if I just didn't call much or at all it would help me start to get over her. the weird thing is that now she seems to have more interest in me? yeah and I was trying so hard to detach myself from having feelings for her. I feel like a fish that got hooked again. I went for the bait. I have refrained from going out with some other girls cause I wanted to see where this was going to lead too.
I know this much though! I may be alone, but besides that i have a pretty good life.

control

2004-01-25T13:43:36Z

when I was in my first relationship of 6 years I had no say in anything! I eventually gave up trying to voice my oppinion, and let her have her way. this over time made me grow more and more depressed. with constant threats of breaking up with me, and me always trying to work things out. I grew tired of the way that things were. she made me fall out of love with her. I could not be in another relationship that is so one sided with one of the two having all the control. I want something with equal compromise.

why do I try

2004-01-23T16:26:24Z

dating is such a confusing thing. I have made what I think are valient efforts to make a good imprecion on those which I choose to date. yet I have not had a whole lot of positive feed back. knowone wants to make an effort for me! my feelings are strong for one girl imparticular but I don't think im what she is looking for. even though she is still seeing me sometimes I wonder why? why does she still hang out with me here and there. I have stopped making as much of an effort. it kinda hurts to try.

hmmm...

2004-01-22T03:07:39Z

I guess I just had the key to her gas cap, and nothing more...
I had alot of fun at the roost last night. Ive never gotten kinda fucked up on 2 rum and cokes. the bartender lady there makes them with all liquir and a splash of what ever else you want. the best part is she charges only like 3.25 for mixed drinks thats awesome! I went to the san fernando mission today. I had a lot of fun. I learned alot about the california missions. I also found out that the san gabriel mission is the oldest of the 21 missions in california.

what to think?

2004-01-21T11:36:59Z

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SO CONFUSED ABOUT SOMETHING! I think fealings are the most confusing thing. I don't like to play the game. so recently i said to myself that I need to not care so much. it seems that maybe i get to attached to people too soon, and maybe I should start distancing myself a little bit. i don't like the way i start to like someone to soon. then once you like them and then at some point they start to think that you are coming on to strong. well i just can't help it i am the type of person that if I like someone I TELL THEM AND LET THEM KNOW!! FUCK THE GAMES. although it is not that easy..... people need these games to feel self confident. so does that mean that only one in the relationship can feal this way. i think it may be so!! I guess if you think you have more than one option you feal secure in thinking that you always have something to fall back on............I wonder?

after bar

2004-01-21T11:07:47Z

ok just got back from the bar. had a nice time talking to julie. we blabbed to each other about the things that we are doing, and then I got to meet her boyfriend. I am actually quite proud of her. he seems to be a nice guy. I think that she is headed down the right path. hope things work out for her.
I on the other hand have no idea what the hell is going on in my life, but I hope to find out soon.

hmmm

2004-01-21T06:42:51Z

someone recently said to me (while talking about dating) I am the prize. she said I shouldn't be the one that tries. I have thought about those words alot in the last couple of days, and had lots of different thoughts on this.
1 what does that make the people you date... "compeditors"
2 If you put forth no effort then what is their modivation after a while.
3 shouldn't anyone you consider dating be a potential prize.
4 do all women think this way!
5 if men are compeditors does that make women objects?

dunno

2004-01-20T08:57:25Z

I want to feal like a prize!

horror of a house

2004-01-20T05:35:11Z

my friend just showed me work she had done on her house and right now there are no floors all you see is dirt. I am going to try and find someone to help her out of this jamb. right now I am going to get ready to go see some bands play at spaceland. go betty go and some other band that deidre said was good. michelle and friends are also supposed to show up.

satisfied

2004-01-12T07:34:25Z

today I finally got my chevy truck running. even though I love my 50 chevy I don't enjoy driving it everyday. its nice to be driving a more modern vehicle now. I also spent most of my day backing up all my files in my computer. it takes a while when you haven't ever backed anything up. I ended the evening with dinner at panda express followed by a couple of hour wasted in the book store. Reading about women in aviation. pancho barnes had an ex husband that was a priecher, and every sunday she would do a fly bye over his church in pasadena during his sermons. I thought that was pretty funny! Oh yeah and it only took a half hour to fix my truck that has sat there for six months isnt that sad. night!

yew year

2004-01-10T05:01:38Z

I hope that I can improve upon myself this year. what I mean bye that is I want to be able to believe in myself. I have always been a go getter, but I always did it with someone at my side. now that I am alone I need to be that srong person that I once was for myself! I think I'll get something done at home now on this lovely friday night. I just came back from vacation, and i'm still tired from it!

second nature

2003-10-08T03:11:36Z

Have you ever loved someone so much that you had all you're trust in them. I mean you could never think that they would decieve you in any way right! well I guess that things can change, and trust can change over from one person to another. their loyalty was once to you, and now is given to someone else. Probably cause of something you did, but she just didn't want to say anything. Can you imagine having the person that you love more than anything in the world standing before you holding on to your entire heart and then just dropping it! As you see your heart fall to the floor you look up at her and say what did I do wrong, just before it shatters on the floor. Its not as if we had a fight. I was under the impression that everything was fine. These days as I try to continue my life everything that I do seems like second nature. You know how when you drive a car, you don't really think about it. It just happens right! i mean you can be driving down the road thinking about a million other things, and the act of driving just happens, sort of unconciously. that is the way everything around me seems. my work, and the people I interact with, the problems I deal with on a day to day basis its all second nature. All second to one thing......my broken heart.

findaway13 @ 2003-10-07T18:42:00

2003-10-08T01:40:13Z

test